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November 30, 2006
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Thunder Alley
by RacinRicerKat

So cold your breath fills like ice;
But for my baby today it's turbo weather.
The roar of the engions.
We rev up as we get the first yellow light.

No time to loose.

The second yellow light hits.

It's almost time to go.

The green light means go!

We're gone as soon as the button is pushed.
Down to second gear, right off the start.

The lighted blur trying to pass me;
no way were going to stop!

Down to third gear, not even half way down.

I hear the hissing as the other car gets NOS sprayed in the engion.

No way!
This is going to be mine!

We punch into fourth, barely keeping ahead now.
Full boost in my baby,
I pray i don't blow a gasket.

We get to the quarter mile.

The emergency lights turn on,
it shows who's the champ.

We race back around to the pits.
With my baby at my side.

I proudly stand and say;

"Told you, big brother, that I'd beat you one day!"
This is a poem I wrote about how I wanted to beat my big brother in racing! :)
:iconlisolette-anwe:
Lisolette-Anwe Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2006   Writer
Well, this type of poetry isn't my forte but I will try my best. I'm not exactly keen on racing terms so pardon my questions.

"So cold your breath fills like ice;
But for my baby today it's turbo weather.
The roar of the engions.
We rev up as we get the first yellow light."

'engions' should be 'engines'
Who is 'your' and exactly who is 'my baby'?

"No time to loose.

The second yellow light hits.

It's almost time to go.

The green light means go!"

I don't like the spacing, nor do I like how you used 'go' twice and so close together. I would omit the first 'go' and exchange it with 'leave' or 'move'

"The lighted blur trying to pass me;
no way were going to stop!"

Too many exclamation marks. I think verbally your diction could have been better. You could have expressed excitement or stress merely but selecting the appropriate words. I recommend using a thesaurus.

"Down to third gear, not even half way down.

I hear the hissing as the other car gets NOS sprayed in the engion."

I have no idea what 'NOS' is...but 'engion' should be 'engine'

"No way!
This is going to be mine!"

Too many exclamation marks.

"We punch into fourth, barely keeping ahead now.
Full boost in my baby,
I pray i don't blow a gasket."

'I' should always be capitalized.

"The emergency lights turn on,
it shows who's the champ. "

These lines should be clarified.

"We race back around to the pits.
With my baby at my side."
The climax is over, 'race' is a poor choice of words, perhaps a calmer word like 'coast'

"Told you, big brother, that I'd beat you one day!"

Again another exclamation. This line would be better as a statement. Exchange the exclamation with a period.

Best wishes with your writing.
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:iconracinricerkat:
racinricerkat Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2006  Student Digital Artist
Thank you for the critic. I'll try to change these things and make my poetry more enjoyable.
Reply
:iconlisolette-anwe:
Lisolette-Anwe Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2006   Writer
Quite welcome.
Reply
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